How to say "I Love You"

So, here’s a true and pathetic story—with a happy ending, not to worry.

Way back, when I first started dating my now long-term beau, he left a message one afternoon on my voicemail, which ended with: “Gotta go. I love yyyyy — ummmmm — errrrrrr. Have a nice day.”

Yes, my beau had started to say “I love you”—then stopped abruptly. His subconscious, it seemed, wanted to say those words. But for some reason he couldn’t get them out—not even after five months of exclusive dating. I found this especially troublesome since my beau’s speech impediment was not my dating norm. My last ex had swiftly said “I love you” — after a mere three weeks of dating — and then he couldn’t stop blurting it thereafter. I’d say: “We need more toilet paper.” He’d respond: “I love you!” But despite his words, my ex’s daily treatment of me didn’t communicate love as much as the desire to make me his, his, his (talk about jealous types!).

Possibly the most important vocabulary lesson to be learned about the words “I love you” is this:

Your actions must always be in sync with these words—or they become null and void!

In my current beau’s case, I fully felt his love expressed daily through his actions. He was always clipping articles for me he knew I’d like. Recharging my cell phone at night. Bringing me chicken soup when I was sick. And yet saying this simple three-syllable phrase “I love you” remained a big tongue-twister for him. Once I walked into the bathroom while he was applying his shaving cream. “Are you trying to see what you’d look like with a big white beard?” I teased. “Yes,” he replied, “This is what I will look like when I’m 75 and with a beard—and I hope I’m facing you then, too.” My beau seemed to be emanating “I love you” at me. So, why couldn’t he just come out and say it? It seemed as if his subconscious wanted to tell me these words — hence why he told me “I love yyyyy —” …Right?

So I asked him bluntly. He answered honestly. His definition of “I love you” meant, “I promise to never leave you (and might even want to marry you some day) — but the last woman I loved, I married — and that relationship was a total train wreck!”

The happy ending news from all this? Although it took longer than I expected for my beau to say “I love you,” when he finally did say it, those words meant far more to me.

With all this in mind, here are some tips for saying those three little (but so big!) words:

1. Don’t rush to take that “I love you” out of the box—because it’s hard to get it back into the box after it’s blurted. Be sure you really mean it when you say it.

2. Recognize some people take longer than others to say “I love you”—and usually these people are “male” people. In general, women take longer to get ready for parties. Men take longer to get ready for relationships. And it’s not good to rush either along.

3. After you’ve said “I love you,” continue to share out loud the specific traits and habits that you love. Don’t just coast on this generic phrase or you will chew all the flavor out of it.
If you’re wanting to hear “I love you” and it’s not a-coming, it might not be for lack of love, but out of fear. Engage your partner in a conversation about what these words mean for each of you. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your fears and long-term desires—and who knows, it might get those words jumpstarted.

4. Don’t say your first “I love you” during a time of intensity—be that either making love or making war. If you say it during sex, you may just be swept up in temporary passion. And if you say it during a fight, you might only be doing so to gain control. Ironically, the more neutral the time and setting in which you say your first “I love you,” the more impactful it will feel.